B is for

B is for…..see it was a toss up here between BOYS and Books…..I’ve loved books for a lot longer than I’ve loved boys.A lot longer.Not that I’m this geeky book nerd, though I do have my moments, but still I do love a good book.And unlike a good boy….I won’t even finish that sentence…oh hell why not, unlike a good boy, a good book always has a good ending.I’m a little hard pressed to even think of a good boy.Pretty boys certainly.  Funny, witty, intelligent, self confident boys a plenty, but all that doesn’t necessarily make a good boy, now does it?I’d have to say no.I’m not saying that he’s not out there, he most assuredly is, I just haven’t found him yet.But I shall remain on the lookout.Good books; lots and lots of those.Ask me about a good book and I can make a list in a matter of moment, a list of good boys, now that, I’d have to think on for quite some time.
The first book I ever read, on my own volition would have to be Different Seasons, a collection of four short novellas by Stephen King.The movie Stand By Me was based on the short novella, The Body.I remember watching that movie and thinking I need to read that book.So I head to the local Waldenbooks and find it and the rest as they say is history.From there I wanted to write and craved reading with a passion that goes beyond description.Before that, my notion of reading was the stuff you had to read in high school.I’ve never been a big fan of “literature” and so you can imagine my desire to read from that.But reading that book, it also has the novellas for Apt Pupil and Shawshank Redemption in there as well.Now I read voraciously, and if I’m not reading voraciously, I go through periods where I can’t even pick up a book, but when I do, I can read a book a day.
The first boy I ever….uhm….well the first boy I knew I was attracted to was a friend of mine named Kevin.I didn’t fall for him or anything like that, but there was some major attraction going on.Course at the same time I was in complete denial and saw the attraction as something a lot less than what it was.And I can only say this in hindsight, because as I say, I was in denial.
The first boy I thought I fell in love with, that was, oh my gosh, an eye opening experience.It took at least almost two years before I admitted it to anyone, but still it was there and fairly obvious from what I’ve been told.But still I didn’t admit it for awhile.I had a secret online diary that concerned just that.And reading it now, it’s such a tawdry little thing that almost makes me cringe, it was so, saccharine and ideal in my view of what I was feeling and thinking at the time.I still can’t be in the same room with him without feeling something.He’s charming and charismatic and beautiful, so it’s hard not to look at him and think everything that I thought before.It’s a lot easier to not feel what I felt before, knowing that he didn’t like me in the same way at all.At least knowing it now makes it easier.Knowing it earlier on, not so much easier.I mean he was my best friend and I was in love with him and the two kind of got intermingled into one overpowering, some might say blinding emotion.I’m sure some of you know what that might be like.
The first boy I ever messed around with was this little gymnast who I had a terrible crush on, but as the case was, I was still very insecure as I had pretty much just came out.And I wasn’t willing to go the whole 9 yards on our first “date,” as it were.Not that I didn’t have fun, cuz oh my goodness it was fun, but still he wanted to do a lot more than I felt comfortable doing.After some serious internal debate, I invited him over to watch a movie,I lit some candles, picked out a few movies, probably paced about the apartment until he got there.We started the movie, got very very comfortable on the couch, did a lot of kissing and groping and wrestling and then there was lotion and massaging and more kissing and more wrestling a little bit of biting, lol….I don’t think he was expecting that….and the first part of the movie ended and then he wanted to keep progressing, as it were.I didn’t, well, that’s not completely true, I did, but like I said it was the whole “first date” notion and I wasn’t going to do much more than that.I even told him long before he came over.Alas, he didn’t take it too well and so he was off and away. So for my first “gay experience” other than going out to Village (now known as S4) I pretty much enjoyed myself.I’m just too old fashioned, I guess.
Other B words

• Broadway…..I used to think the theatre was for “gay” people.LOL.Who’d have thought I was gay….anyway….Les Miserables, Rent, Chicago, Mamma Mia, Miss Saigon, Wicked, 42^nd Street, Evita,Ragtime, Phatom of the Opera…..hmmm, I know I’ve seen more, but damn I like me some good theatre.Maybe it was the theatre that turned me gay….no, it was the Boys.J
• Brothers….I have three….One older, his name is Benjamin….one younger, his name is Timothy and I even have a twin, his name is James.He’s nothing like me. He joined the military so that he could kill people.True story.Being a good listener, being a pacifist, being an all around good person, I’m each of theirs’ favorite brother.I’m the odd one out, they all have red hair, they all joined the military,
• Bland….I don’t like this word.Aside from the whole negative connotation that it has going with it, it even sounds mundane and boring.I don’t really live an exciting life, to my own regret at times.So some might say I’m a bit bland.Fortunately, with a little spice, bland oftentimes turns out much better.
• Bibliophile….yeah, I like that word much better though some might think it goes hand in hand with bland….because its someone who loves books.And a lot of people, I’ve noticed, don’t like to read.Oh how I hate when people walk by the bookstore and I hear them say something like I don’t read, and you can tell they say it because it’s like the worst thing in the world they’d be caught doing.Which I suppose when I was their age, I didn’t read either.So I understand it, I just want to run up to them and ram a book in their hands.God Bless Harry Potter for making a lot of readers out there.
• Beauty….oh but I do like beauty.Of course I think that can be said for everyone, but I can appreciate it.Because things can be beautiful.Feelings, words, thoughts, guys, girls, the sky, the Alps, the ocean, the glistening frost from a morning dew.I can see why girls are beautiful and understand it.I can see why guys are beautiful and understand it.Words, either written or spoken can be overwhelmingly beautiful, nature is majestically so…I just love beauty.
• Britain….now talk about beautiful.I’ve been twice am going again next year, hopefully around march…(want to go with)They’ve got everything. Beautiful nature, beautiful boys, beautiful words….have you heard them speak….*sighs dreamily.*hehe
• Brain….that’s the name of one of my cats.He’s white and he used to have a little black smudge of furr on his head but it’s gone now.He was named after Pinky & the Brain.We had a pinky too, but she found a home elsewhere.My other cat is named Gris….spanish for gray….I bet you can’t guess what color he is.
• Bitch….a friend….I guess you could call him that, pointed this particular word out to me.  It completely skipped my mind which is kinda shocking, because oh my lord at times I’m completely surrounded by bitches.   And it’s been told that I can be a bitch too.  Though in comparison, it’s not obvious at all.   But yeah gay guys can be such bitches.

 

And so it begins…..again

This is my first entry in my “alphabiography” where I take the letters of the alphabet and write a biographical entry. I got the idea from James Howe’s book. Totally Joe. It’s a young adult book about a gay kid who is writing an alphabiography for one of his teachers as an assignment. I thought it was a cool idea, so I though hmmm. I can do that. So I am.
A is for Andrew. Kinda makes sense to start out that way, although it may seem a bit egocentric, but, hey it’s my blog, right? What’s more egocentric than a personal blog. It’s supposed to be all about me. So yeah, A is for Andrew
. I guess what it all boils down to is that I am who I am. Simply an Amalgam of all that I’ve been through, my thoughts, my feelings, my view of the world, my understandings, my shortcomings, my flaws, my childhood, my adulthood, my family, my friends; all of it made me who I am and who I will be. It’s all me and had any of it been different, I would have been different. At least in certain ways. I would be hard pressed to describe me in so many words because each and everyone of us are made up of so many different facets of our own lives. We are all the best that is around us and all the worst, we take something from everything. Okay this went a little far afield of egocentric, all this we stuff. I….yeah that’s better, I have taken something from everything I have encountered. I remember when I was in the 3rd grade, we were living down in Fort Hood and for some reason we still had a baby sitter and she was this big buxomy girl/woman and my brothers, the proverbial guy-guys, if you can be guy-guys in the 3rd grade…although we were Army brats so it’s sorta inbred, that whole guy-guy mentality…anyway we had this babysitter and someone came up with the brilliant idea to, and let me put this is the vernacular of a third grader….squeeze her boob…..oh God, just saying it, I remember it perfectly, because my two brothers…the guy-guys remember, didn’t want to do it, after they came up with the idea. So who decided to do it….Needless to say, I don’t want to say that that was the last time I felt a boob, but I know it was the last time that I disrespected a girl/woman in such a way….she gave me quite the stern talking to as I recall, and I dreaded the notion that she was going to tell my mom or dad when they got home. She didn’t which was nice of her. But still…I remember that and feel a bit ashamed of it even still. And yet, it’s what “guy-guys” do all the time. Now don’t take offense if you’re a guy-guy, because of course this is a stereotypical notion of what a “guy-guy” is. Gay guys know what a guy-guy is. Straight guys and there is a difference between a guy-guy and a straight guy, though it may be a very thin line between the two, but there is a difference. Anyway, I look back and I know that even then I wasn’t a guy-guy. I certainly wasn’t in junior high or high school. I was the nice guy. Everyone liked me, nobody hated me….that I was aware of….but I was just there. I remember in computer class in high school….it was taught by one of the football coaches and all the jocks and cheerleaders took the class…it was an easy class and I didn’t really feel like I fit it. I remember whenever we’d have like a class party, watch films…and when I say films, they were sports reels of bloopers and stuff. …I remember how I would buy all this junk food and crap…just so I would feel like I fit in. Course that was back in my straight days…lol….but to this day, the people in that class seemed to know me better than anyone else that I went to school with…Except perhaps the teachers, who all loved me and the people in my spanish class….you go to Mexico with a bunch of people every year for the course of three years…they stick out in your mind. I look back on that and I think, had I made that much effort to get to know people in that one class, had I don’t that with more people, what and who would I be now? I don’t know…. But I am me….Andrew….A Other A words……

• Amalgam….not just cuz I like the word, but because it describes everybody and not just me
• Asexual….I’ve been called that alot, not recently, but back before I started coming out, because, I guess sex….to me, is something more than just sex. I’d like to think that that isn’t so uncommon, but alas, the more I see the more I observe, that to more than a few people, sex is just that….sex, it’s not something shared, but something to do.
• Antiquated….I have this whole romantic notion about love and relationships and what have you that seems so antiquated, so 1950s. It bothers me, mostly because it’s just this ideal and an ideal is not a reality.
• Aberation..I often feel like I am just that….because I am not like everyone else. Which can be said for anyone truthfully…but since I’m not anyone, but me, I can’t make the comparison to anyone else.
• Alcohol…..need I say more….some would say alcoholic, but they would be wrong. I didn’t even have my first drink till I was like 25. And then it was beer. I didn’t care for it. Still don’t. But I like to drink. It gives me a free spirit. I’m very happy go lucky when I drink but I have a very low alcohol tolerance, so I really can’t drink too much without getting sick.
• Afterthought…it’s easy to look back after living something or enduring something and having that whole 20/20 hindsight of what could have been. It’s alot harder to do it now and to know whether or not your’re doing the right thing or not. It’s good for it’s own purposes, but still, by it’s very definition, it’s only good for thought. It’s too late for action…because whatever it is, is already over and done with. Action….if it’s taken, where you go and what you do and who you become are so often different from where you would have been had you not taken it. I wish now, that I had taken different actions at certain opportunities. I wouldn’t be the me I am, I’ certain, and naturally I can’t say I would be better off or worse off.
• Affinity…another word I like, you might say I have an affinity for the word affinity. It’s a pretentious word but I like pretentious words.

I’m sure there are a great deal more A words that I could come up with, but they’re escaping me attention at the time and I feel it’s high time I get this little sucker posted. Perhaps B will be better.