G is for

Grin and bare it, or is it bear it….more than likely it’s the latter and not the former, I’m not much for baring it all, except in this particular case, so I’ll let you decide, if there is a you out there reading.   If there’s writing and nobody reading, is there something really being said?  Yes I know who needs to read a if a tree falls in the forest and nobody sees it, does it make a sound analogy, but I seem to be running with the notion, don’t I.   See I’m even writing as if I know I have an audience., if that’s what one might call it.

Anyway, I was thinking about this yesterday, the end of 2005…the year as a whole pretty much was a bit on the lackluster, downright dingy if you must know…Oh I will grant you there were highlights….one particular one comes to mind that I’d love to expound on, but in the event that I do ever have an audience familiar to me, well, such expounding wouldn’t be time well spent, so I shall relish it in my own mind.   But yes, highlights indeed.  But overall, 2005 was mired down with the mundane and the ordinary, the monotony of everyday existence….and I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad if, the monotony and the ordinary weren’t drama filled escapades …which seems to be antithetical to what I’m saying, but I’m going somewhere with this, believe me…

See, you get to the point, eventually, where you don’t care anymore.   I mean sure, there is that innate caring that you have, that we all have, at least I hope we all do, that basic concern for others and then there’s that other more invested caring that we develop with intimacy and friendship.  That care, the one we hold so closely and so deeply, that we nourished and grow, if left to it’s own devices should either continue to flourish or wilt and die away.   It’s the way of things.  And while we never expect, or I should say I never expect it, when it does wither and die, I never expected to be without remorse.   Or maybe I’m just kidding myself and somewhere deeper on a subconscious level there is a touch of it.  I know there is regret.  

And you’re probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about, where I’m going with this particular entry and I have to say I’ve got the least bit of control at this writing. 

this was suppose to be grin and bear it….we’ve been through that….and I sneak down this little passage way about the end of a friendship…and it is the end, because I could care less if it’s ever revived…grin and bare it….

2005 was a year of grin and bear it.  I’m a happy go lucky person for the most part so the grin seems rather fixed, but like most grins, it was at times a mere facade.  I’m too peaceable, too let the go, too amiable, too  I don’t care.   And I guess, when I don’t care, then it’s fine, but when I do…. when I do and I have this fixed grin on my face, I guess nobody really knows what’s going on inside.  Not that most people really care what’s going on inside.   That’s a reality.   It’s a sad reality, but a reality all the same.   No matter how much concern people express, we’re all egocentrists.   We have to be, it’s self preservation.   It’s so much easier to build up those walls and then from the turrets make those sympathetic noises that everyone expects to here.   I’m as guilty of it as anyone.   Hell I spent most of my life building up those walls, I think I even dug a moat or two, aligators and crocodiles to boot.   It’s easier to keep people out, to keep from getting hurt.   I mean these are the things you hear you don’t go up to them, they come up to you, you don’t call them first, they call you, you don’t tell them you like them, they tell you.   And then when things don’t happen this is what you hear.  Well, you know all you had to do was call them.   How come you didn’t go up to them and say something.    how are they going to know if you like then if you don’t tell them?   And all you can do afterwards, because it does no good to tell them what they said eariler, all you can do is grin and bear it.

It’s 2006.   New year, new you.  I don’t know if it really works that way, day 3 of the new year and while I’ve got the whole mental process going up inside about so many different things, I don’t feel all that new.   I feel pretty much the same, I just have a little bit more determination, a little bit more resolve, a little bit more desire to have a life that I want to be living.  It’s easy to set forth all these new years resolutions and goals, but if you don’t have that big picture mentality, what are the goals a resolutions for, because this year is leading to next year and the next.  SO it shouldn’t be like, in 2006 I want to do this, but rather This is where I want to be going in my life.   Maybe I’m just looking at it this way because I’m older than pretty much everyone else around me.  Or maybe I’m a bit more content with where I am at and the short range goal notion I don’t consider worth thinking about on the whole.    I mean I do have ideas about the year, about what I want to be able to do and achieve.  But come the end of 2006 I don’t want to have to grin and bear it, shrugging my shoulders or whatever because I didn’t achieve something.   Because truth be told, last year, the big grin and bear it year, it’s over and done with.   Let bygones be bygones.   I hear an Auld Lang Syne moment coming up….or that other song….with every season turn turn turn…..I don’t know the title of the song….or who sings it…..sorry, I’m musically illiterate….I do remember they used it for a Time magazine commercial a long  time ago…..anyway.  

I don’t know if this entry had any relevancy….there were a lot of things I wanted to say that seemed to have slipped away, things that seemed antithetical to the whole letting go and forgetting…..

G is for….

GOODBYE….hmmm, how that worked out I don’t know.   But as new years aptly illustrated, Derek and I aren’t friends anymore.   I don’t think I was expecting any sort of reconciliation so a simple goodbye seems fitting.

Anybody else who feels that the person I am is in some way becoming a barrier to the relationships that we have or don’t have feel the need to slip away, this would be the time to do it.   It’s a new year after all, let old acquaintances be forgot….(there’s that auld lang syne moment)   None of us have time for all the petty crap.  New year, new goals, new things, new people….if you want out, I think the doors still open.  I’m not going to go back to the old me.