H is for

Happiness

It’s funny, as little kids we imagine what our life is going to be, what we are going to do with our lives, who we are going to be.   We carry these ideal notions of what success and happiness and everything else.  We think we know who we are and what we are going to be.   I remember when I was little I was going to be the President of the Unted States.  I was going to be a lawyer.  I was going to be a fireman.  I was going to be…..  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.  But truth be told I don’t know anyone who is what they were going to be.   Looking back, you can’t help but wonder what that bright eyed hopeful child would think of his life now and would he have thought that the life I now have would be a life that would be something that he would consider happy.   I have to say I never imagined then, hell I never imagine 5 years ago, that my life would be what it is today.  5 years ago, I was in the closet.  I was pretty much in love with a woman who was unhappily married to a man who she is still with.  5  years before that, I had no notion whatsoever that I was gay.   It seems hard to believe that part. As much as I loved her then, 5 years before, I loved her even more.   I thought she was the one.  I had notions that we would be together for the rest of our lives, living an ideally romantic life together.

And in every one of these time frames, be it the present or 5 yars ago or 5 before that, the one thing that I know, or at least think I know, is that I was happy.   Content with the state of my heart.   Granted there was a greal deal of crap mixed in, but that is often the case.   A life that is just happy go lucky without the pitfalls and the drama and the ups and downs of relationships would seem somewhat lackluster.  Not that being blissfully happy would be a bad thing, hell I’d jump on that in a heartbeat, but I don’t know anyone who is blissfully happy.   I know absolutely positively 100 percent of everyone I know, none of them are blissfully happy.   I don’t think it’s a natural human condition.  I think it’s a continuous ongoing contiguous morphing state of being and mind.   Because you can be happy with certain areas of your life and find yourself somewhat dejected about another area.  

 This is the human condition.     We want.  We want more.  We want better.   We want happier.  We want.  And the thing of it is, is that who wants to get to a point where we have all that we’ve ever wanted.   How do you live after that.  What does life become afterwards.  What do you strive for after that.  The notion of sitting back on your laurels loses something.   It’s funny how everybody wants to be the greatest, so what do you do after you’re the greatest?   Is it about being happy?   The human condition of wanting more seems almost inate.  Insatiable.   Nobody ever dreams about being the city councilman, no it’s the president.   Nobody ever dreams about being a bench warmer, no it’s Michael Jordan.  Nobody ever dreams about having just enough money to get by on, no it’s RICH.   Nobody ever wants Ms/Mr mediocrity…no we want beauty, wit, charm etc.   We want.   And who among you doesn’t say, “Sure, I’d be happy with this or that, but on the inside, you’re still thinking about that Nike shoe contract while you’re tooling around in the Hummer with Miss USA….we want.   It’s unconscious…lol….it’s the American Way.  If you don’t want, people think you’re either lying or there’s something terribly wrong with you.   And yes, this is all oversimplification, because while we may all want all those things or what those things represent…to each and everyone of us, those things are different.   Beauty is in the eye….how rich is rich….how successful is success….

SO does achieving what we want make us happy?  And if we always want more, will we ever be happy?

So where does Happiness come in.   Because trying to keep up with the jones’ isn’t happiness.   It’s want.  I think the only thing that we can truly be happy with is our state of being.   Everything else is irrelevant.   It’s intangible, here one minute, gone the next.   But the self, you are with you, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of your life.   That is a lot of one on one time, don’t you think.   And just imagine, if you’re not happy with yourself.   Everything else is pretty much meaningless.   What drudgery it must be to look in the mirror everyday.

I respect myself.  I love me.  I love who I am, what I know, what I think, how I feel, how I’m perceived by most people.   I don’t think I wish to be anybody else.  Because even though I don’t have all the stuff, I want it of course, but this is different.   I don’t want to be anyone different.   I’m happy with who I am.   Oh there are things I would change, and have changed in the last couple of years.   For the better I’d like to think.   I’m a work in progress and I have to say, it’s been a great progress, slow and tedious at times, sometimes a bit painful and difficult, but it is work after all, there’s a reason for that name.  But Happy, yes.   Perfectly, no.   But happy, thank God, yes.

Wow, this entry is peculiar.