J is for

J is for….

I’ve had many a friend in my life, many a confidante, but when it comes to me and who I am, the name Jennifer seems to stand out.  I don’t know why that is except to say that there seems to have always been a Jennifer at one point or another in my life.
There’s Jennifer W, she’s by far the most important Jennifer to me that’s not related.  She’s been ever present, albeit living down in Austin for the better part of our friendship, still she’s the one who was probably present for the better part of my life.   She is my confidante.  She knows everything about everything.  If it’s happened to me in the last…ugh…I don’t want to say how many years, but if it’s happened she knows about it.  She has an archive, literally, of everything I’ve ever written.  When I first met her, she was this beautiful, romantic, charming, witty, sweet, caring, giving soul who was ever ready to listen and to advise and through all our years as friends, she has remained this same person.  She has never changed, she has never judged, she has never faltered in her support of me no matter who I was or who I am.   I was terrified, terrified beyond description, to tell her that I was gay, but when I told her, she proved to be that stalwart friend that I knew her to be.
We have a tradition.  Anytime that she comes up to visit, we always go to Macaroni Grill for dinner and watch a movie.   We catch up on old times, she tells me about her latest beau, 9 times out of 10 he’s a singer/musician type fellow, although there has been the occasional wealthy individual and I inform her of my life, the comings and goings, the drama and etc etc etc but this last time, after my revelation, it was my most favorite visit I think that I can recall.   My heart was light at being able to point out the guys that I thought were attractive, i.e. the Banana Republic boy who she deemed ever so worthy of my complete adulation to a few other guys as well.  I was able to tell her about things that I’ve not told another soul that has happened within the last 6 months, stuff you want to yell from the rooftops but don’t for decorum’s sake.  But I told her.  We ate our Macaroni Grill and then watched Brokeback Mountain and I was completely and totally me and it was as I said, the most wonderful of experiences.  To have someone to confide in, to tell anything and everything to without fear that it would cross her lips to someone else is by far a greater gift than any I can ever imagine.  I love her dearly and completely.  She is Grace to my Will, if I were to ever have one.
Jennifer G, who if you’ve ever met her goes by another name that I’ve used on several occasions, the Talker.   Not that if I tell her something she talks it all over the world, but rather she enjoys talking.  A great deal I might add.   When I first met her, she talked incredibly too much and I daresay, I never imagined in a million years that we would be such close friends.   She is, for lack of a better word, my self proclaimed “fag hag.”   She and I, can also tell each other everything, she has been there in situations where I couldn’t imagine having to tell someone something and being able to tell her, for comfort, for peace of mind, for support.  She gets these feelings….you know what I mean, and she will call becuase she thinks something is wrong.  Chances are, something usually is and I’m forced to “spill it”   She is often times my voice of reason and her support for me is great and without fail.
It would be remiss of me not to mention Jenni too, although, what relationship we may have is to say the least tenuous.  But Jenni, like Wade, was something of a catalyst when it comes to me becoming who I am.  Not that she opened my eyes to some sort of epiphany, but rather through her I met Wade and an amalgam of others who, like myself, were gay.   She and I were good friends at the outset, but also she was somewhat enamoured with me as well.   At the time I was still in love with Melissa and Jenni’s feelings for me were, to say the least, more of a stumbling block to a strong friendship than a foundation.   There was also a strong vortex of friendships and alliances that lent itself to the creation of barriers and trust issues for everyone involved, myself included.  While at times we may have had a bond that was strong, as of late, that bond is negligible, through both our actions.   Our relationship has been extremely volatile for various reasons and at the moment it hardly resembles anything close to a friendship. 
Anyway, that’s J…..jennifer…

I is for (yeah, so I cheated, but it fits me to a “T”

 

 is for

Portrait of an INFP –

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)  

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The Idealist

 

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselvesINFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same – the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don’t really care whether or not they’re right. They don’t want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people’s conflicts, because they intuitively understand people’s perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they’re interested in, it usually becomes a “cause” for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their “cause”.

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don’t understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it’s not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group. In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they’re working towards the public good, and in which they don’t need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking
If you want to take a personality test to see what you are psychologically you can go here:  https://www.personalitypage.com/indicate.html