J is for

J is for….

I’ve had many a friend in my life, many a confidante, but when it comes to me and who I am, the name Jennifer seems to stand out.  I don’t know why that is except to say that there seems to have always been a Jennifer at one point or another in my life.
There’s Jennifer W, she’s by far the most important Jennifer to me that’s not related.  She’s been ever present, albeit living down in Austin for the better part of our friendship, still she’s the one who was probably present for the better part of my life.   She is my confidante.  She knows everything about everything.  If it’s happened to me in the last…ugh…I don’t want to say how many years, but if it’s happened she knows about it.  She has an archive, literally, of everything I’ve ever written.  When I first met her, she was this beautiful, romantic, charming, witty, sweet, caring, giving soul who was ever ready to listen and to advise and through all our years as friends, she has remained this same person.  She has never changed, she has never judged, she has never faltered in her support of me no matter who I was or who I am.   I was terrified, terrified beyond description, to tell her that I was gay, but when I told her, she proved to be that stalwart friend that I knew her to be.
We have a tradition.  Anytime that she comes up to visit, we always go to Macaroni Grill for dinner and watch a movie.   We catch up on old times, she tells me about her latest beau, 9 times out of 10 he’s a singer/musician type fellow, although there has been the occasional wealthy individual and I inform her of my life, the comings and goings, the drama and etc etc etc but this last time, after my revelation, it was my most favorite visit I think that I can recall.   My heart was light at being able to point out the guys that I thought were attractive, i.e. the Banana Republic boy who she deemed ever so worthy of my complete adulation to a few other guys as well.  I was able to tell her about things that I’ve not told another soul that has happened within the last 6 months, stuff you want to yell from the rooftops but don’t for decorum’s sake.  But I told her.  We ate our Macaroni Grill and then watched Brokeback Mountain and I was completely and totally me and it was as I said, the most wonderful of experiences.  To have someone to confide in, to tell anything and everything to without fear that it would cross her lips to someone else is by far a greater gift than any I can ever imagine.  I love her dearly and completely.  She is Grace to my Will, if I were to ever have one.
Jennifer G, who if you’ve ever met her goes by another name that I’ve used on several occasions, the Talker.   Not that if I tell her something she talks it all over the world, but rather she enjoys talking.  A great deal I might add.   When I first met her, she talked incredibly too much and I daresay, I never imagined in a million years that we would be such close friends.   She is, for lack of a better word, my self proclaimed “fag hag.”   She and I, can also tell each other everything, she has been there in situations where I couldn’t imagine having to tell someone something and being able to tell her, for comfort, for peace of mind, for support.  She gets these feelings….you know what I mean, and she will call becuase she thinks something is wrong.  Chances are, something usually is and I’m forced to “spill it”   She is often times my voice of reason and her support for me is great and without fail.
It would be remiss of me not to mention Jenni too, although, what relationship we may have is to say the least tenuous.  But Jenni, like Wade, was something of a catalyst when it comes to me becoming who I am.  Not that she opened my eyes to some sort of epiphany, but rather through her I met Wade and an amalgam of others who, like myself, were gay.   She and I were good friends at the outset, but also she was somewhat enamoured with me as well.   At the time I was still in love with Melissa and Jenni’s feelings for me were, to say the least, more of a stumbling block to a strong friendship than a foundation.   There was also a strong vortex of friendships and alliances that lent itself to the creation of barriers and trust issues for everyone involved, myself included.  While at times we may have had a bond that was strong, as of late, that bond is negligible, through both our actions.   Our relationship has been extremely volatile for various reasons and at the moment it hardly resembles anything close to a friendship. 
Anyway, that’s J…..jennifer…